Elizabeth woke up and immediately thought of the things she didn't want to do that day. The obligations, the chores, the work. Ugh. There is nothing I want to do today, she thought.
She got out of bed and noted that her feet hurt when they touched the floor and her back was sore. Great. We are off to a wonderful start today - she thought sarcastically. Maybe if I weren't so heavy my back wouldn't be sore.
She opened up Facebook and saw that all sorts of entrepreneurs in her line of work were launching amazing new programs and she felt like an idiot for even being in this business when she clearly had nothing to offer.
Oh and great, another un-subscriber from her newsletter. Why the heck was she doing this stupid work anyway?
This is going to be a terrible, no good, very bad day she thought. If only I were skinnier, than everything would be easier.
Elizabeth went to eat breakfast. She couldn't wait to have some buttered toast with eggs and avocado. Yum. That will hit the spot and turn this day around. Oh no she thought - the bread is all moldy and someone ate the last egg. Now what am I going to eat?
She couldn't possibly take the time to go to the store or cook up some oatmeal, one of her 2nd favorite breakfasts. So she ended up eating a Hot Pocket and feeling nauseous. Yuck. If I were skinny I'd be eating some fruit and yogurt or something "healthy" she thought.
Never mind that she hated fruit, and yogurt but had many other options that might have been more satisfying than the Hot Pocket. Why ruin what was turning out to be a perfectly terrible day with something she liked?
This is really going to be a terrible no good bad body day.
Time to get dressed. Today she was going to a party. She thought about how someone asked about her weight at the last party with these people. They thought they were being complimentary. She thought about how all the mom's bring carrots, celery and grapes for snacks. And beet chips. What kid in their right mind actually likes beet chips? She felt terrible for letting her kids eat a wide variety of foods that included cookies and cupcakes. We are terrible people, she thought.
Now her rant was really gathering steam. She stepped in front of the mirror in her sundress and nearly cried. This was not the body she was used to and this was the body she had judged on others for the first 40 years of her life. How was it now her body?
She hopped online to try and order some new clothes - but everything she wanted didn't come in her size.
This is a terrible, no good, very bad body day, she thought. If only I were thinner these days wouldn't happen.
She went to the party. One woman she talked to had taken up walking, and running and exercising in the morning because she wasn't currently working. And she did all three everyday! And she didn't just mention that she had taken up working out - she mentioned miles and times and distances and how she was using an app to exercise. Elizabeth didn't know whether to congratulate her or offer her some help.
Everyone was drinking light beer and talking about training for something.
If only I were thinner she thought. Then I would want to talk about running and how many calories are in a carrot stick at the party. Then I would fit in and not feel out of place. Then I would never ever want to eat a cupcake again because it wouldn't be worth it.
When she got home, she bumped into her son coming in from outside. "The lawn mower is broken", he said. Oh great - that makes it the lawn mower, the coffee maker, the hot water heater and the microwave this month alone. This wouldn't have happened if I were thinner she thought. (Feeling bad about her body was just an automatic thing associated with any negative feeling at this point, even when it didn't actually make any sense.)
Her day continued. Her plans fell through and she had a completely unproductive day. Everyone else is rocking it as an entrepreneur she thought. I suck.
Her husband came home and came over for a kiss. Her belly touched him before anything else did. Great - just another thing to be bothered by. She had been body checking herself all day and she was so consumed with thoughts of herself that she neglected to notice that all he cared about was that she didn't snuggle in close enough or kiss long enough because she was too eager to get back to her cycle of negative thinking.
Finally, it was time to check in with her mentor - something she did every few weeks to stay centered and grounded. She didn't want to check in but she did. She was close to tears as she described her terrible day and how she was convinced if she were thinner that everything would work out. This absolutely sucks and I hate it - she said.
Some days are like that - her mentor gently reminded her. "May I kindly point out that we are not the same size and yet every single thing that happened to you has happened to me too?"
Her mentor continued, "I have dreaded my to-do list, had my plans fall apart, hated what I was wearing, felt disconnected from people whose cares and values were different than mine, had neighbors comment on my body, worried about my business, pushed people who loved me away, had things break down, and told myself it was all my fault and if only I were different than none of it would have happened. "
Hmm. She had a point. Elizabeth could kind of start to see it now. What she was feeling happens to everyone. She wasn't special and it had nothing to do with the size of her body. She was converting her uncomfortable feelings into bad body feelings.
She thought if I were thinner than nothing irritating, bothersome or uncomfortable would ever happen.
But the truth is, some days are just like that.