I was just reading a beautiful and remarkable blog post about loving our bodies so we can model that love for our daughters.  It got me thinking about how there is a certain level of body hatred that most people can agree is not healthy. But what about the subtle body hatred?

In the understandable body love scenario, there is a middle aged woman who has been fighting her weight all her life and has been on more diets than she can count.  Her weight has gone up and down in the process and she has put off doing things in her life based on how she feels about her body.  Everyone can agree that this is not healthy, and get on board with helping this woman accept herself. 

One thing I hear quite often is that people are frustrated by their inconsistent routines.  They want to eat healthier and move their bodies more and then they don’t. 

Sometimes they do, and they feel great, but they can't figure out what is blocking them from going to this imaginary "next level" of consistency. People do "well" during the week and then poorly on the weekend or vice versa.

I was wondering if it would be helpful to share some milestones that I have crossed following the non-diet lifestyle. There have been many aha moments and many small but equally important realizations along the way. 

It all started when I realized I was really focusing on food ALL THE TIME.  Like many others, I thought I was addicted to food and sugar. And I was focused on food because I thought my body was a problem and I thought food was the solution.  

I had a friend ask a question this week which I think will help many people put something in perspective.  She asked, "If I don't follow a diet plan, how do I eat healthy?  When I have "junk" food in the house, I eat too much of it.  I've tried Paleo and that worked for awhile and now I am considering the Whole 30, what do you think?"

I asked her if she wanted my honest opinion and she said yes since we have been friends for 30 years. So I said "NO NO A THOUSAND TIMES NO!!".  (Check out this blog post by Be Nourished for more on what happens after the Whole 30.)

I was thinking the other day about creating a board game for middle school and high school students called "The Game of Life on a Diet".   Yeah - weird I know - but those are the kinds of things I think about. 

You start out with your player, riding a bike (because kids can't drive). At the fork where you are supposed to choose between going to college or getting a job, the player can choose, "Go on First Diet" or "Live Free". 

Weight Watchers has announced that it will offer teens free memberships this summer. This is like a dealer offering free drugs to teens in order to get them hooked for life and keep them coming back for more.

Dieting is like a drug.  When you begin, there is a surge of excitement and a high.  You find your plan, get your materials, set your goal weight and begin.

You lose weight and ride a wave of ecstasy as the praise and adoration floods in and your spirits soar. This shit is awesome, you think. 

I know this sounds like a particularly bold statement so bear with me. People are often concerned with having fat on their bodies and then eating foods that people associate with being fat. One way to handle this concern is to not give a flying fuck (sorry mom) what anyone thinks of your body or what you eat.  For people who are not quite there yet (and it's ok - it can take awhile), they can be caught in a bit of a catch 22.  They want to relax and eat foods they enjoy, but they are still worried that these foods might be responsible for their size. The good news is, there are no such thing as fattening foods!

Did you know that fat feelings are not actually about fat? Fat feelings are an expression of discomfort about something going on in your life. Yet, we are so conditioned to feel like there is something wrong with our bodies that we blame all the discomfort we are feeling on our bodies.  Then we make a plan to change our bodies. This plan is a distraction from the real issue. It is also a way to feel like we are bringing control and certainty into life situations that feel chaotic and scary.  So it's a brilliant coping mechanism, but it doesn't address the real issues.

I was discussing anti-dieting and intuitive eating with a friend over the holidays. I could tell he didn't really get it and the kicker was when he said "I think there is value in trying to stay fit, even if it's hard." (I'm pretty sure he meant "thin" when he said "fit".)

This statement suggests if we simply worked harder, we could all be thin. In reality, this is one of the main misconceptions that keeps people trapped in the dieting cycle for so long. For my friend who said this - he works out and eats "healthy" and stays thin so he thinks everyone can.  This is what many people believe in our culture and it is why the diet industry is booming and why fat shame exists.  People ask themselves, if everyone else can lose the weight or maintain a healthy weight by society standards then why can't I?  

I recently had a reader ask: "How do we change this {diet} culture?  We all talk about how horrible it is, then we perpetuate it by telling friends we're fat. I see how young women dress and think that it's very hard to be young and not in perfect shape. There is also no modesty. Everything is shown these days. Young women must feel the need to look perfect all the time because everything is photographed, "shared", and posted. It's a tough time to be self conscious and yet have to put yourself out there to be a part of social media."

Here was my response:

For the last several years, I have been standing on the scale backwards when I go to the doctor and they want to measure my weight. I know that weight does not equal health, and I know that in the past, whatever the number was, used to send me into a tailspin of euphoria or anxiety that wasn't based on anything other than a number.  I didn't want to subject myself to that stress anymore.

Last year, when I went to the gynecologist, I did the weight backwards as usual. Then, the doctor brought me into her office. After she affirmed that everything looked great and that I had no problems, she told me to lose weight.  I told her that I don't diet anymore and I gave it up because it's bad for my health.  She said, oh of course, diets don't work, but you need a lifestyle change.  At the time, I didn't quite have the nerve to challenge her anymore than I already had, so I swallowed the lump in my throat and doubted myself.  I mean she's a Dr. right?

Have you been feeling icky about food and your body? Do you feel sluggish and fatigued? Are you often trying to get to the gym but just can't? Do you look at the covers of magazines and the stars of TV shows and despair and wish you had their body?

I'm not going to tell you you "need" anything. But if you are looking for relief from feeling crappy and want some ideas, here are some  cleanses that might help you feel better in 2018. 

Are you afraid to give yourself unconditional permission to eat? It’s not surprising if you are afraid. Many people are – which is why so many people restrict themselves. Some people restrict intentionally, and some people don’t even realize they are doing it.  But everyone thinks that restriction is what they “should” be doing and they even beat themselves up if they aren't restricting enough.  

Recently, my mentor Rachel Cole posted this blog about how to feel good in our bodies.  I want to take a moment to point out why we might be feeling bad in the first place. Then, it might be clearer why what she suggests we do to feel better is so true and so helpful. 

If you are currently dieting, you may find that dieting is not making you feel good.  You get really excited at the beginning of the diet.  You lose some weight and feel even better.  Then it gets harder to maintain and your negative voice gets louder and you start to feel like a failure.  Then you gain the weight back and feel even worse.  Yes, you are in pain and it is coming from dieting. Dieting is bad for us mentally, physically and emotionally.  

Do you think that anyone can lose weight if they try hard enough? We have been taught that intentional weight loss is possible, that it can happen for anyone, and that it is the golden ticket to living your best life.  That makes it hard to stop attempting to lose weight. To make it harder, everyone has heard about someone who has lost weight and kept it off, which makes everyone think that it's their fault if they can't do it too. 

When lead paint, asbestos, cigarettes and BPA were found to be harmful to ourselves and our children, we made every effort to minimize or eliminate them or at least post warnings about them routinely.   Diet culture is another nefarious intruder that we need to protect ourselves and our children from.

Diet culture is like carbon monoxide, killing us silently in our sleep. Which is why I want everyone to wake up. 

Do you have holiday parties to go to and you'd rather run and hide? Are you worried that people will be judging your appearance and commenting on your body, either positively or negatively? Unfortunately, it's true, this happens.  So what can you do to prepare for the party and go and have a good time?

Here are some tips and things to remember:

How do you want to feel this holiday? Did you know you have a choice? Here is an excerpt from my journal many years ago.  Trigger warning: I was in the thick of diet mentality and hated myself. I have also included an excerpt from a more recent year showing how things are different and how I feel now. Nothing has changed materially in my life circumstances but everything has changed internally and it makes all the difference.  

At the end of this post, I will tell you the top 3 things I did to change my perspective and change my life for the better. Read on and tell me, which way do you want to feel?