How We Do Food is How We Do Everything

One of the teachings I learned during my Eating Psychology coach certification was that how we do food is how we do everything. I even spoke about this recently on a Facebook live in the Rise Facebook group. 

And even though I say this all the time, the essence of what it means sunk in at a deeper level this weekend.

Sometimes I still fall into the trap of thinking that if my body doesn't feel very good - there must be something with food or movement that I am not addressing.

This is that old black and white, compartmentalized, right and wrong thinking that we are so programmed to believe. 

And then I will realize that I am stressed out about something else - maybe one of my kids, maybe my business, maybe all the snow in February in New England.

But stress is stress.

Whether you are feeling stress about your body or stress in your life, it's still running through your system. Our food and body is not a different topic than our business or our relationships.  We have the same body through all our experiences.

And let me define "stress" a bit. I have a great schedule and I work for myself. My kids are older, my husband is amazing and supportive and I have everything I need. If you asked me if I was stressed I would say no. 

But it doesn't mean there aren't things I want to accomplish or change and sometimes we don't realize the stress we are living in when we focus on what we don't have and live in the energy of lack. 

So even though I am eager to explore new possibilities, sometimes I also feel the resistance of not being where I want to be yet. It's rather subtle, but it's still an energy of "not good enough", "not there yet" and "something's wrong" even when the intention is to improve or up-level something in life.

I could be choosing nourishing foods, getting rest and moving my body - but if there are other areas where the energy is stuck, it can create a feeling of unease or illness in the body.

This is the whole idea behind mind-body medicine and yet sometimes it kind of hits you over the head.

You might be sitting there thinking, why is it that I'm eating foods with nutrition and yet I still feel so gross?

Or you might be thinking, why aren't I eating more nourishing foods when I know they make me feel good?  You might be grabbing for the comfort food for a very good reason.  Unless we look at what that is, it's going to be difficult to make a different choice.

I say these things all the time, and yet I still forget all the time and have to remember. (They say you teach what you need to learn and this is SO TRUE!)

And that is what this work is all about - constantly remembering the truth of who you are (magnificent!)and what is possible for you (everything!). 

So when you don't feel good in your body if it wasn't about your body, what might it be about? Where else might you be holding tension and resistance in your life?

Your job? Your relationships? Your finances?

Whatever is bothering you in these areas is going to be impacting how you feel in your body.

Whether you can pinpoint the exact place of discomfort or not, luckily, the solution is the same.

First, accept "what is" (i.e. how you feel even if you don't know why) unconditionally and without judgment. Then, meet yourself with grace, compassion, love, and forgiveness. No matter what is going on.

This might look like this: "Even though I don't know what I'm doing at work and it feels very uncomfortable, I still love and accept myself unconditionally."

Or, "even though my relationships are not as satisfying as I wish they were, I still love and accept myself unconditionally."

Or, "even though I don't always feel like I'm making the best choices for myself, I still love and accept myself unconditionally."

Acceptance, self- love and compassion are always the places to start, no matter what is bothering us. Then, when we feel a little better (because we aren't judging or beating ourselves up) we will have more access to ideas and solutions that will help us with what we think our problem is.

Last week I ran across a quote from Ram Dass "The world is perfect as it is, even our desire to change it." That really sums up this reminder for me to accept what is without judgment. 

Meanwhile, all that time we spend worrying about what to eat and whether we are exercising enough is time we can take back and use for more pleasurable pursuits which will raise our energy and vibration even higher and support us even more.

For several months now, I realize I sort of had a division in my head - my body is one issue and my business is another and my relationships are another etc. But how we do one thing is how we do everything.

How we are BEING is more important than what we are DOING. If I am BEING resistance, fear, lack or stress in one area, it's going to show up in my body - no matter what I think I'm doing for my body. 

If I am living the energy of "something is wrong and I wish it were different", all my body knows is "something is wrong" and that's what it's going to reflect back. 

We are all incredibly powerful creators and we are constantly creating our own experience day to day and minute to minute with the thoughts we think and the beliefs we hold.

Your thoughts and feelings are creating your body - whether those thoughts are about your body or not.

So if your body doesn't feel good, it's not time to double down on judging it and trying to control it or fix it.  It might be time to explore what else is going on and how can we support our bodies by understanding our thoughts and emotions, not by vowing to eat kale or workout when we don't want to. 

I don't know about you, but this is what I needed to remember today.

Please Help Me Share the Vision!

Hello! Before I forget, since it's that time of year again, you may want to share this blog post from a few years ago - Dear Family Members during the Holidays - which discusses what to be aware of with regard to body image issues if you have the pleasure of being able to gather with family over the holidays whether it’s in person or over Zoom. Caution: young people are listening when you fat shame yourself or others and it has a deep and lasting impact. 

In addition, I’d love for you to share this current post so we can keep forwarding the message of acceptance for bodies everywhere.

This weekend I am attending an online conference that has a powerful mission of inclusivity and safety for all people in the world, no matter what their gender, color, race, sexual orientation, or abilities.

I would like to add to that mission something that is not always said out loud but needs to be -which is the importance of including all people no matter what SIZE they are.

The interesting thing is that in these inclusive spaces, people don't always talk about size for a couple of reasons. One, because sometimes size is already included and it's a no-brainer, and two because sometimes people don't realize that it should be included and that it's not.

It gets interesting because even as people are filling their hearts with love and acceptance for their sexual orientation or gender, they are judging their bodies. This happens in the LGBTQ+ community all the time. It's so interesting to me to see that paradox.

At the same time, I totally understand. If you were being judged for something so integral to your existence as your sexual orientation and feeling like you don't fit in and even being persecuted for it, then you are going to double down on other ways to fit in and thus be an even bigger critic when it comes to things like your body.

But your body is also integral to your existence and that is why we need to add size to the list of things that people should be able to feel good about and embrace. I wish for a world where people feel safe enough to show up as themselves without fear of judgment or harm no matter what they look like.

I am not the only one with this vision. The hard-working people at ASDAH and fat activists worldwide are also are working tirelessly to advocate for the equality of people of all sizes. 

Acceptance from early on in our development is so essential. I can't tell you the number of stories I hear that start with "looking back, my body size was never actually a problem, but I was bigger than my peers and so I started dieting or always judging myself".

If we met bigger bodies with love and acceptance in the first place, I guarantee you we would not be dealing with nearly the amount of "not-enoughness" that we deal with currently.

We would not have nearly the amount of anxiety and fear and judgment about our bodies if all people could show up and be exactly who they are and if they were encouraged to be themselves from an early age.

I also can't tell you how many times a pediatrician has put a child on a diet for being in a bigger body and that child is now contacting me decades later because they are still unable to accept themselves.

It is no wonder to me that we all have tons of inner child work to do because those children were never taught how to love themselves.

Not only can they not accept themselves, but they have no concept of hunger and fullness due to years of overriding their bodies' signals. They don't know what they even like to eat and they are terrified of eating the wrong thing.  

Last, I can't tell you the number of people who have said they would NEVER treat another human that way, not their daughters, sisters, friends, or grandchildren, and yet they continue to treat themselves that way - telling themselves they are unlovable and not enough.

People don't always use that exact language to spread this message to themselves. It's not always that obvious or simple. Sometimes they tell themselves they are not worthy by staying in jobs or relationships that don't serve them.

Or they don't take the time to surround themselves with what lights them up in life. They double down on everyone else's happiness and put theirs last. It's all part of the trance of unworthiness as talked about by Tara Brach. 

How can we stop this from happening?  

What I would like to see as part of the big vision is instead of locking in on your body as the problem to be solved, what would it be like to commit to eradicating your own lack of unconditional love for yourself?

I guarantee that people will feel better, no matter what is going on with their body size.

We also know that this is actually better for people's health in the long run. Self-compassion studies and Intuitive Eating studies tell us that when we approach ourselves with care and kindness, we make the best choices for our bodies, not when we approach with rigidity and rules and dislike. 

The other reason I would like to see people focus on unconditional love and acceptance is that when you accept yourself, you are actually healing the world and bringing peace on earth.

You are clearing the collective consciousness of this insidious issue. You are stopping the legacy of shame being passed onto young girls everywhere when you stand up and practice loving yourself whether you think you are too fat or too skinny. 

That's HUGE! 

If you can't do it for yourself and your own well being, then please do it for the planet.

Self-love and acceptance are healing for you and healing for humanity. It's a win-win and it's a choice we all have the capacity to make.

Is it easy? Not necessarily. But how easy is constant dieting, counting, controlling, managing, judging, fearing, denying, and obsessing? What has that been costing you?

Would you rather put in the effort and have a huge payoff of good feelings or put in the effort to have more of the same frustration and pain?

Personally, I would much rather put my efforts towards my own liberation than my own oppression.  What about you?

It's ok if you have been stuck in this cycle for a long time. It's not your fault, you didn't choose this knowingly. It was thrust upon you by having a body in a world that doesn't accept all bodies and where it isn't safe for all bodies.

The collective needs to change and we can help by being the change that we want to see.

With the election coming up this week in the States - I'd love for you to consider what is going to get your vote? Love or fear? Acceptance or judgment? Liberation or oppression? Expansion or limitation?

I suggest you choose wisely because it's something we are all going to have to live with.

Image by Ben Kerckx from Pixabay

When I was Quoted in The New York Times

Recently, an article came out in the New York Times about weight gain during COVID and I was honored to be interviewed and quoted in the article. 

The author had enjoyed my blog post about quarantine fat jokes which you can find here.  To read more about quarantine and weight gain, be sure to also check out my chapter in The Great Pause - Blessings & Wisdom from COVID-19. You can pre-order your copy on my website. 

Today I wanted to talk about how sharing your work with the world is related to your relationship with food and body.  I also dive deeper into what my quote actually meant in the article. I may be my own worst critic (aren't we all!) but I felt like it needed some interpretation.

First off, part of the reason we focus on food and weight in our world is that we might not be satisfied or fulfilled in other areas of life.

This was true for me - I was a health actuary for 20 years and never really loved it. Something was missing and I thought it was something missing in me.  That was one of the reasons I tried so hard to fill that void by being as "perfect" as I could be in other ways (i.e. try and make my body as small as possible based on the false belief that smaller is better.)

Eventually, I realized that I wanted a more fulfilling means of interacting with the world and I wanted to feel more connected to the work I was doing.  Feeling unfulfilled wasn't a flaw - it is actually a pretty common drive that we have as humans to find meaning and connection.

So I kept following the things I love to do. I love to read, learn, write, guide, support, teach, think, analyze, and share. Hmmmm - what could I do with that?

So far, life coaching on the topic of our relationship with food and body is hitting all the markers and more!

As part of this process of finding what I wanted to do, I have also had to find out who I wanted to be. How do I want to think? How do I want to show up in the world? What do I want to let go of? What do I want to believe?

As you can imagine, the road to life coaching is rich with opportunities for this kind of reflection.  It's one of my favorite things to do. I love inviting in unlimited possibilities and exploring what limitations I can let go of.

What I think is so fun about being quoted in the New York Times is that all I have been doing for the past few years is attempting to stay true to what I want to do and how I feel and what I believe. I express this part of myself through my blog and that is how the Times found me.

They found me when I was just being me.

To me, that is validation that I am heading down the right path for me, and the ease with which things like that happen reminds me that life can actually flow with ease. How is it and why is it that we are always making it harder?

So the life coaching lesson here is when you stay true to your heart, fun things happen with ease and you will be guided to serve in a way that is uplifting for you and also beneficial to others. You don't have to do anything other than be yourself. 

In addition, if lightness and joy do not exist in your current situation, it's always possible to find if it's something you want. You get to choose to open that door or not.

Now for the actual quote in the article.

I loved how the article is supporting a compassionate approach to understanding weight gain. Although I felt like the meaning was a bit ambiguous and the cover picture was also rather fat-shaming.  Unfortunately, the authors don't get to choose their art.

Diving in, my quote said "look at feeling bad as the canary in the coal mine — the indicator that something might be ready to change, said Elizabeth Hall, an intuitive eating coach in Farmington, Conn. Although people often respond by vowing to buckle down or work harder, she said, the way to end the guilt and shame is actually just to notice those feelings, and to ask yourself if they are serving you or causing suffering.  Feeling bad is actually an invitation to expand and shift our consciousness and let go of expectations and old programming,” 

What I meant by that was - if you don't like your body and are judging it, or if you are dieting over and over and doing the same things and not getting where you want to go,  it's a sign that something needs to change - but it doesn't necessarily mean your body needs to change!

Anytime we feel discord with our bodies - it can be thought of as our personal GPS system saying - hey, there's something to look at over here! 

Unfortunately, we often jump into "fix it" mode and go to work on the body or our food, (among other things) without exploring what might be underneath our feelings of discomfort or interfering with how we take care of our bodies. 

It can seem a lot simpler to count some calories or try a new diet plan than to end a relationship or change jobs. 

But if we don't stop to notice the underlying feelings, we may end up distracted by the stories we have made up about our bodies and never getting to the root of the issue. In essence, we prolong our discomfort.

Some people might also say that uncomfortable feelings serve us by motivating us to work harder and change our bodies, but we can never have lasting and meaningful change when we are coming from a place of guilt, hatred, loathing, and shame. We need to tap into love, appreciation, and gratitude for real change to occur.

So when we feel bad, we want to let go of the ingrained message that "bad" means "fix" and we need to examine what it is we believe before we choose how we want to respond.

If our culture values thinness and we gain some weight during COVID, and if we are operating from those expectations, we may feel fearful of the gain and beat ourselves up for it. This could actually lead us into a bigger cycle of panic and trying to change back and failing because we are trying to change from a place of fear and the spiral continues.

Instead, we want to sit with our feelings and sit with our reality and have compassion and allow ourselves to move through and release all the things that may be bothering us.

What are you equating with your weight gain? Is that really true? What else could be true? What incredible things does your body do for you every day? What are you grateful for and what are you afraid of?

Greet yourself and your fear like you would a young child.  Let the feelings be expressed without trying to fix or change.  When we allow ourselves that grace and that space, that is when the solutions roll in and more options become available than we saw before.

We may realize we are actually exhausted and need to rest, or that a walk outside feels like just the right thing or maybe that we've been eating more food out of fear and it doesn't feel good and we start to explore what would feel better.

No harsh criticism, no restrictive plans, no catastrophic projecting out into the future of all the things that could go wrong or all the things everyone is going to think, say or do when you come out of quarantine.

When we relax and allow and accept where we are in the present moment, we may even find that we don't want or need any food to soothe or comfort us because we are soothing and comforting ourselves already.

Where are you in your relationship with food and body right now? How can you offer your body more compassion and understanding and what happens when you do?

If you would like any assistance in expanding into a more spacious and joyful way of being when it comes to food, sign up for a free consult here or send me an email. It is my pleasure to assist you in seeing this issue from a different perspective in order to uncover possibilities you may never have known existed.

Are you ready to explore?

Photo by Sarah Boudreau on Unsplash